That is until this past Wednesday. It started out as any other Wednesday starts out. For one it was Ben Birthday and the day after Maci's 5th birthday and I was very excited about having her birthday party that evening. But first I was headed to the Dr. for a routine check-up for the new baby on the way. We were also scheduled to find out if we were having a boy or girl that day at 2:30. All my instincts told me "Girl!" And I was going with what they said. I got there on time, which is a miracle in it's self. I waited for a while in the waiting room, flipping through magazines and playing on Facebook and checking email. Then they called my name. I was so excited to hear the baby's heartbeat again. I went to the exam room and waited patiently until my wonderful Dr. came in. She asked me the normal questions, 'How are you feeling? Do you have any questions for me?... I answered, "Really good, and no not really." She then said, "Alright, lets listen to this baby." I laid back and waited to hear it. She searched for a moment and we didn't find it. I didn't really get worried because this happened at my 12 week appointment. This was my 20 week appointment by the way. So we went to the ultrasound room to look there. I laid back and waited for the machine to come on. She put the probe on my stomach and searched around for a little while and I just waited for her to say it. She turned the machine off and gently shook her head no. There was no heartbeat...
My world stopped right there. I just didn't understand how there couldn't be a heartbeat. I asked her what the baby measured and she said it looked like it happened about 3 weeks ago. I lost control of my emotions and gave in to the flood of tears that had been held back. My body shook uncontrollably and I just sobbed and sobbed.
Ben had happened to take the kids to the park to play and wasn't there when I found out. But thankfully the office that I go to has an amazing staff and a wonderful nurse came and sat with me and listened to me cry until he got there. They were kind enough to call him for me too. When he got there the nurses took care of the kids while we talked to Ben. He, like myself, didn't understand and just had a confused look on his face.
The next step we were told, was going to the hospital to get labor started to have my precious baby. I could go right then or wait until the next morning and come back. I knew I couldn't go home in my present state, so I chose to go right then and get everything started. Those were some hard steps to take. My mother came and got my other 3 babies and took them with her.
Maci didn't quite understand and still will ask about the baby. Carter gets it but doesn't know really what to do with the information, but it's slowly sinking in for him and Tyler completely understands and is as broken-heated as his dad and I.
We got to the hospital and they were ready for us. We were greeted by a lovely nurse named Lisa. She asked me a few questions and led me to the room I would occupy for the next day or two, depending on when I delivered. As I walked in all I could think was, 'This isn't how it's supposed to be. I'm not supposed to be here right now. No! I still have 20 more weeks!!!' In my mind I was yelling, but on the outside I was somewhat collected, besides some tears. I got changed and got in bed and I was just numb.
Another nurse named Stevie came in to let me know she would be taking care of me and got the I.V. in and all of the other stuff done. She also was amazing. I didn't come across a single staff member that wasn't great. I was never left wondering if anybody was working or where anyone was.
Not to long after I got settled in, it was time to take the medicine that would get labor started. I took a first dose and almost right away started feeling some pain, but four hours later I was dilated to only 1. I was given another dose. Another 3 hours went by and still at 1. I was then given the option to stop taking it and grab something to eat and get some rest and start back at 7 in the morning. Reluctantly I agreed.
As I slept I had small contractions all night. The next morning at 6 I woke up to take a shower, but first got checked by a nurse. I was thinking with contractions all night, I had to be at at least 2. Nope, no change. I took a shower and got ready for what was going to be one of the hardest days of my life. At 7:30 I was given another dose. Again almost right away, pain started. It wasn't just crampy this time. It was full blown contractions. The kind that make you wanna punch somebody in the face. And they weren't 4 and 5 minutes apart. We are talking about 90 seconds. This went on for about 2 hours. And somewhere in that time frame, my water was broken. That's all it took. About 15 minutes later I asked Ben to go get the nurse because I was feeling a lot of pressure. Alison was the nurse at the time and there are no words for how great she was. She checked me and sure enough she asked me if I felt like I could push and I did and it was definitely time. Lisa came in about 60 seconds later and together they delivered my sweet baby. Tears, tears and more tears from both myself and Ben. My first question was Boy or Girl. I was totally expecting them to say girl, and Boy is what came out of her mouth. Of course Boy or Girl didn't make a difference. I was just thinking Oh my sweet baby boy. Sweet, sweet Oliver. We had chosen the name Oliver Finn and it fit him perfectly.
A little later after he had been cleaned up I got to hold my sweet Oliver and enjoy the short amount of time we had with him. He was absolutely beautiful and perfect. I could tell he was a little Poole. He was going to look like Carter. I could just tell. His daddy and I just stared at him for a long while. I look at his fingers and arms and hands and even his little fingernails. All perfect...
It just didn't and still doesn't make sense to me. How could something so perfect not make it. We are still waiting on the results from tests that the hospital did. I will never forget his sweet face for as long as I live and absolutely cannot wait to see him when I get to Heaven. He will be there with Martin and will be playing with his other 2 siblings, (who I have a feeling were a boy and a girl). I cannot wait to hold all 3 of my babies that are there and just sit and talk with them and tell them how beautiful they are and how much I have missed them since they left.
I am taking my life one moment at a time right now and leaning heavily on Jesus and my husband and my other 3 kids. I am so thankful I have Ben, Ty, Carter and Maci to keep me busy. They are the loves of my life and I do not take the for granted.
Another person that really was a huge help while I was there was my good friend and basically my "cousin", Constance. She works at the hospital where I was and came in on her day off. She took such good care of me and I will never forget that! Thank you Constance. I can't say it enough! You are truly a beautiful person and so great at your job! I love you!
I'd also like to thank the whole staff that helped me out while I was there. You guys do your job so well! You are amazing people and I will definitely come back if we decide to have any more babies! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
Live Greatly, Love Softly
