So it's getting closer and closer to that day. The day that was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life. The happiness that was so shockingly stolen from my life. My original due date for Oliver. October 20th is getting closer. It seems that it looms over me like a bad shadow.
A few days ago I received a care package from Erin and Darryl Phillips. They founded and run Ayden's Foundation of Hope out of Slidell, LA. Their 3.75 year old son, Ayden, fell into a pool and didn't survive. They took their grief and pain and turned it into something great. A foundation for people like me who have lost children. In the box was a plethora of books on grief and what it is to lose a child and also Steven Curtis Chapman's album Beauty Will Rise. A whole CD on the loss of his and his wife's child Maria. I listened to the whole CD today and the tears have flowed. And I'm at work too. I've been praying that I don't get any knocks while my face is all red and puffy.
Basically the CD talks about grief and how horrible it is to lose a child, no matter what age. And then something amazing happens. In each song, it goes into how much greater God is than the grief that you are going through. I so needed that today. I haven't had a bad day in a long time and I don't want to consider today a bad day. Just a few bad moments.
There isn't a single day that goes by that I don't think of my baby boy. I try to imagine what he is doing right now. I can imagine that he is running around with other babies that didn't make it here on earth. I imagine that he is playing with Ayden and doing little boy things. I like to think that there is dirt in Heaven and if there is he is elbow deep in a puddle of mud, mixed with dirt and water from the Sea of Forgetfulness. I can imagine he's asking the Angels why he can't fly and to please teach him. I can imagine that Martin is sort of his care taker if that sort of thing exists in Heaven. I imagine his getting acquainted with all the animals that we have lost in the past, including our dog Neal that we lost last month. I imagine that he is walking around with his brother and sister that have gone before him. And then comes the greatest picture of all. My imagination goes to the day when I get to see him face to face again and his features have matured and he looks like the little Poole baby that he is. Round little face. Blonde hair that's almost white and little hands. Little hands that he uses to put on each side of my face so that when he does, we are staring at each other eye to little blue eye. He has a serious look that breaks into a smile and sweetly ask me, "What took you so long mom?" I joyfully look back at him and take in that amazing face and I say, "I was just waiting on Jesus, Baby."
And then we walk off together, myself, Ben, Ty, Carter and Maci and the other two babies that I have never met and they never leave my side.
So as it gets closer to my due date, I also have to remember that the day gets closer that Jesus will come back and get us all.
Live Greatly, Love Softly
